LGBT, Gay, Writing, Poetry, Journal, Snark

Todd was an exceptionally good-looking guy. I had a minor crush on him from the moment I first met him. That whole chemistry thing was in full swing, both ways. The slightest accidental brush against each other was a high voltage jolt right through the core of my being. Intense, erotic, tempting and not going to happen if I could help it.

The vibes, other than physical, were in the ‘run opposite direction at top speed’ variety. Something in his personality set off all the alarms usually reserved for encounters with rabies-infected pitbulls. The don’t turn your back and walk away slowly type of feeling. That feeling that he would hurt me for the fun of it was pretty strong. So, I refused to even entertain the thought of dalliance, much less a relationship with him.

I made the enormous mistake of telling Melinda, my roommate at the time, that I thought he was hot. Well, the mistake was compounded when I didn’t tell her what else I really thought about him. It was a passing comment and I really didn’t think anything of it. She did though. Apparently. She decided to tell him that I liked him but didn’t think I would say anything directly to him about it. Well, duh! Of course I wasn’t going to… why open a can of worms that I never intended to fish with, much less anything else.

I was taken by surprise one night. She invited him over without telling me. I was furious but held my peace. It was her home too. I didn’t feel I had the right to tell her she couldn’t invite someone who was her friend over. He was originally her friend before I met him. Anyway, I bit my tongue and sought to just ignore his presence while watching a movie.

Todd grinned and came to sit on the couch with me. Distressingly close. Like right up on me, touching the whole length of our bodies. I shifted away and glared at him. He just smiled more broadly and scooted close again. I asked him what he thought he was doing. Meanwhile, Melinda ignored us, sitting on the other couch and continuing to watch the movie. Todd leaned closer and whispered, “So, I hear you think I’m hot.”

I froze. Seriously. My brain just shut down with the shock. I glanced at Melinda and she had a smirk. That was when I knew she had told him. I felt like I had been sold out and tossed to the sharks with bleeding cuts. Todd pressed the advantage and slid right behind me on the couch. He put an arm around me and had his hand on the side of my face. I was still in shock and trying to think of a way out of the situation that wouldn’t involve me blowing fuses. Nothing was coming to mind and Todd wasn’t waiting for me to rally my brains into marching order.

He forced my head down and to the side with the fingers splayed on my cheek. Turning my head for me, he kissed me. I didn’t respond, but my lips felt like they were on fire. The confusion was just getting worse. Part of me was crying out to get the fuck away from him while the other part was frozen in fear. I tried saying something but my brain just couldn’t connect two sensible words together. What I wanted to say was, “Hell, no! Let me go!” What did come out was garbled and certainly not standard American English. He just chuckled. Melinda just continued to ignore us.

Pride took a hand at this point. I was not going to let this asshole get a reaction from me. That was all he really wanted. I think. I’ll never know for sure. Me and my asinine need to be right and stronger and better at game playing. Dumbshit. *sigh* You would think I would know better. Especially after the incident with Stu. Nope. So, I just gritted my teeth and tried to ignore Todd. He was whispering in my ear at this point telling me what he planned to do to me once he had me stripped and helpless. Alarm bells, red flags waving, sirens, howling dogs, you name it, it went off in my head.

I tried pulling away so I could get up and leave. He threw his legs over mine and his other arm onto my crotch getting a good grip. My struggles didn’t matter. He was a lot stronger than I was. I couldn’t catch my breath by this point, trying to hold in tears and at the same time trying desperately to get away. Words utterly deserted me. I wanted to yell to let me go, to take your fucking hands off me, but nothing came out.

He started gnawing on my neck. I don’t mean kissing, I mean biting. The pain was intense and horrible. Nothing erotic or arousing about it at all. His hand on my face may as well have been steel for all the success I had at trying to pull my head away from him. That is with two hands pulling at his fingers. I gritted my teeth together and refused to make a sound. It was all I could do, anything else just proving his point that I had no power over the situation.

Then my minor little miracle. The necklace I was wearing bit him. Not joking. It was a large amber teardrop. Somehow it had gotten around to the back of my neck. The amber embedded itself into his forearm. Pretty deep too. Must have hit a nerve finally, because Todd suddenly spasmed and let go. I glanced at his arm as I bolted up off the couch. He was swearing and I could see the huge dent in his skin from where the amber pendant had sunk in.

I took off and ran to my bedroom, locking it behind me. Then I burst into tears, sobbing loudly, eyes totally blinded. This wave of horror and helplessness washed through me. I ended up calling another friend (2am when this all happened and I made the call). She calmed me down and explained some things.

That what Todd was doing amounted to attempted rape. I couldn’t disagree. Still don’t to this day. I honestly believe he would have finished raping me if I hadn’t of gotten out of his grip. He didn’t care about whether I wanted to have sex or not. It was about him having control over me and using my attraction and inability to articulate my dissent against me. Keeping me helpless and doing whatever he wanted to me regardless of how I really felt.

He left long before I came out of my room. Melinda and I had it out. I let her know how I felt about her telling him what I had said. I also told her why I had run. She hadn’t realized the extent of what was happening right in front of her nose. I try really hard to believe her. Otherwise…

Just a little sidenote – In some cultures, amber is considered to be protection against witchcraft. Funny enough, Todd was Wiccan. Do the math. There was no real reason for a heavy pendant to have gotten turned around the way it did. All I can say is that the amber ‘biting’ him was what saved me. Weird, eh?


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