LGBT, Gay, Writing, Poetry, Journal, Snark

Posts tagged ‘like boys’

That First Realization… Thanks Jill!


Here’s a fond memory for you all. This is the exact moment I realized I ‘liked’ guys. How many people can remember that exact moment when they know for sure something profound about themselves that would shape the rest of their lives. Heh, actually, many people do. Still, this one is extra special to me.

All through Junior High, I had sat behind Jill Spiekerman in our GATE classes. For those that might not know, GATE is California’s Gifted and Talented Education Program. *yawns* The problem I had in school was that I was boooooooorrrreeedddd to tears. You make me repeat the same lessons over and over in class and then expect me to do it some more at home? I think not! So, when I started failing my classes, they tested me. They did some stupid IQ test thingy and lo, I was a 164 on whatever BS version they used. The lights went on and they switched me to the ‘advanced’ classes. Where they taught the same damn shit. Arghhhhh!

Anyway, I sat behind Jill for 2 years, bored into insensibility. I did enjoy stealing Doritos out of her jacket pocket in class. She would open one of those little bags, stick it in her pocket and sneak them over the course of the period. It was pretty amusing when she caught my hand in there midway. Heh. Needless to say, we got along pretty well, despite me being a weird kid.

So, after 2 years, I honestly think I had a mild crush on her. She was one of the few people who took me as I was and never said a bad thing about me. Our freshman year of high school, the only class we ended up in together was German 1. We would sit in class and just talk. It was nice.

Well, one day, Jill decided she wanted to talk about all the guys she ‘liked’. In other words, whom she thought was cute. Naturally, I was not on that list. And ya know what? It didn’t bother me. I mostly tuned out the droning, just kind of nodding now and then to keep things moving along. Then came the moment of ‘Aha!’. Scott Martel.

The name set off alarms, whistles, spinning red lights and even a skipped heart beat for just a second at the sound of his name. I remembered him from junior high. He was definitely cute. Actually, fuckin’ hot was more like it. The thought in my head after she said his name was, “Yeah, Scott is gorgeous!” And then the light went on. I liked guys! In that turned-on, instant boner way that all boys dread when in public and have no earthly control over.

Scott was that ideal California boy. Straight blond hair that just fell over his eyes. Tan all year round. Shortish (to me anyway, I had already hit 5’10” by 9th grade. He was maybe 5’6″), trim figure. Not into sports, but he played sax for band. Smart. In other words, F-ing dreamy! So, Jill pointed the way without a clue what had just happened under her nose.

Believe it or not, my next reaction was an internal shrug. I had quickly thought out the consequences and didn’t particularly care one way or another what people thought. Now, this was prior to my remembering all the delightful crap from my early childhood. I was generally an asshole and stuck pretty much to myself. Dating or even flirting weren’t on my mind at that point. Most of my masturbating was purely sensory oriented without visual aides to fantasize about. Scott filled that lack from then on. Heh. He’d probably freak if he saw this, even now.

I didn’t really keep quiet about it. Though, technically, I never said anything about being gay until after I left school. I had decided I really didn’t need people in my business. However, if someone bothered to ask me point blank, I always told them the truth. That has always been my policy regarding my sexuality. Since I was a loner, no one thought to ask.

Ok, no idea why this popped up to write about. Probably bored you all to tears… Heh heh, oh well. You made it to the end even! Are your eyes bleeding? Is Satan singing seductively in your brain now? Have I recruited you to the Dark side? Heh, thought not. Just wait until the subliminals kick in, then we’ll talk again!